Friday, March 12, 2010

A Little Time to Think

I needed some loveliness today. So, I am sitting outside in our new backyard (Living in L.A. FINALLY paid off as we were chosen for a free backyard makeover. Now our backyard is not the junky work-in-constant-progress that we had going before. It's actually peaceful and beautiful. As quoted by one of Christian's toddler friends: "Christian lives at the park." That makes me smile. Charles is at work, and Christian actually went down for a nap without too much of a fight, so I have a cherished bit of "me" time...and today I need it.

I found the most beautiful blog last night. It makes mine look lame and uninteresting, but that's okay, because it is THAT beautiful. It is written by a Mom, who is a photographer, and her entire site is peppered with these amazing, real images from her life. The photographs look like the pages of a magazine, with photo shoots that have gone just right. She has a daughter around Christian's age and just had a newborn on Jan 22ND. Upon looking into her newborn daughter's eyes, she realized that she has Down syndrome. No prenatal diagnosis. No warning of what was to come. She speaks of the shock, the tears, the love, the "BEFORE"... and I can relate, even before our own birth experience with Peanut. I thought that I was so blessed to find out ahead of time that Peanut has an extra chromosome, because it gives us time to adjust to the news and to get back to being excited for his arrival. But, in a way, this Mom (named Kelle) got to look deep into her daughter's eyes and feel her love along with the fear and shock of the diagnosis. And I wonder if getting to hold your baby takes away a little bit of the sting, a little bit of the fear, a little bit of the anxiety out of it?... Kelle is 31. If I had been 31, or even 35, I wouldn't have known. We did no prenatal testing when I was pregnant with Christian. I almost didn't do any this time, and I can only explain it as a small nudge from God to "just do the blood test." Overall, I am glad we know about Peanut's diagnosis. However, it's the doctor appointments that have become an active practice in patience and level-headedness (HA! Patience & level-headedness in a pregnant woman?? Isn't that some sort of oxymoron? So, you can see my struggle.)

I had an appointment with my OB today (Dr. Kim). Have I mentioned how much I adore her? Have I mentioned how she has given me words of wisdom and love that are well beyond the patient-doctor experience? We went over the notes that Dr. Ballet submitted to her. She actually called and spoke to him this week. As of my last appointment, he wanted me to deliver at Los Robles Hospital, even though I was originally scheduled to deliver at Simi Valley. (When he made this recommendation, I thought, "Of course! NOW that the brand new, beautiful maternity wing is open at Simi Valley, I still don't get to deliver there!") However, after Dr. Kim's call, he agreed to okay the Simi Valley delivery, since the Neonatologist he recommends is already scheduled to attend Peanut's birth. A small victory. Dr. Kim also said that Dr. Ballet thinks that Peanut's enlarged liver and spleen may just be transient, but that we're watching it to make sure it's not something more serious, and we should know more at my next appointment. Funny, I didn't quite get that from him, but feel even more optimistically fuelled and faithful about this issue resolving itself. This is the roller coaster, and now I'm being launched into endless back to back appointments. I have to go to the hospital twice a week for them to monitor the baby, plus I have to see Dr. Kim once a week now, and I'll see Dr. Ballet in 2 weeks...So, I'm trying to gather the strength to steel myself against all of the medical jargon and scary 'what ifs'... This is where I'm gonna need my family and friends to give me mental breaks (even just a good chat on the phone) and keep me laughing at life. I know I can count on them for this- I just need to reach out.

So, a woman I've never met before is on my mind. But, she seems a lot like me- Kelle loves the Beauty found in life, has amazing friends and family who are there for support without question, she has a toddler-aged child, and now she has a newborn, who happens to have Down syndrome. So, I feel a connection to her. You've got to check out her blog, called "Enjoying the Small Things." I hope my link works. If not, it's worth searching for. And try not to compare my blog...I'm new at this, technologically challenged and not a photographer...:)

Now, for a nap...


Laura said...

Oh my gosh. Thank you for pointing me in the direction of such a beautiful, poetic, loving Mom. She inspires her reader to connect to their highest instinct calling forth compassion, respect and wonder. I read her post as a fellow mother filled with awe, not tradgedy or self pity. You all have been chosen to enlighten the rest of us to the beauty of all God's creatures regardless of packaging.

P said...

Your writing is as poignant as hers and she perhaps is still learning the insights you are seeing.

I found her two days ago and know that she needs you! I am so glad you found her in March cause I was of course going to tell you about her soon...

Her pictures and words and family are astounding, and I have not read much anything beyond two versions of the birth story-- hers that you read and a two part new post written by her dad. There is also a 20 min discussion on Rosie ODonnell radio, an interesting audio version particularly for our audio learners.

But the radio version is also beautiful for all touched by Down syndrome cause she's live and 11 weeks into her adjusting to the news.

She can take pictures but you can DANCE, you both can write WOW, you both can tell my story for me so well cause I don't have the emotionally connected language to express myself.

Read the blogs about The Corridor, your friends and family might have some real discussions about it as it is interesting, I hope we can find ours by your examples.

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