Saturday, January 2, 2010

Life in perspective

(22 weeks pregnant)

I feel like God is holding my hand. When I choose to see them, there are little gifts, little signs all around me to let me know that yes, life has changed, but it's not going to be all bad. Maybe even far from it... I actually had a fleeting thought a couple of days ago, in a moment of "poor me". I was thinking about how before Charles, I had been married to a bad man. A man who I made excuses for and tried to "fix" by being good enough, loving enough and accepting enough. Until I realized that enough is enough. I thought, "God, wasn't that the hardship for my life? Wasn't that enough?" It was a fleeting thought, but it was there.

Then I got a phone call that changed my perspective. It went like this: Him, "Is this Jennifer?" Me, "Yes, it is." Him, "Were you married to a man named (Name to be withheld to keep him the F out of my life)?" Me, (Debt collector? Undertaker?) "Yes, I was." Him, "Are you still married to him?" Me, "Uh...No I am not. I have not been married to him for about 9 years now." Him, "Oh. Okay. Because he is sleeping with my wife." ........................WHAT??!!??!! I almost wanted to laugh, but stopped myself with the sobering thought that this poor guy is in the midst of major heartbreak. I said instead, "I am so sorry to hear that. I wish I could say that I am surprised, but I'm not." We had a short conversation about when it started and what was happening now. Although this poor guy seemed out for some payback, his level of hurting was very clear to me. I got off the phone feeling somewhat validated over the fact that I wasn't wrong about my ex's character and that I was right to know that I was not the only one that stuff happened to. Later when I had a little more time to reflect, I realized that I would rather be in my current situation, dealing with some somewhat atypical concerns than have to deal with the soul-sucking kind of concerns I had in that marriage. I know that we have challenges in front of us, but I also know there will be joy. In the end we're bringing a BABY into this world. A baby who just happens to have one extra chromosome. And maybe even a baby who will bring us more joy than concern...

1 comment:

Shan said...

It is when we accept and step into life's challenges that we are able to see not only the strength that God has given us to make it through, but also remember that in our weakness, He is strong. You are definitely not alone in this, with friends and family that love you and that will love peanut as well. You are in a much better place in life now with a loving husband that God gave you, that you know will be there for you thru all of this. Praise God for that!

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