Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Don't worry, Mommy...Don't worry!

The last two days have been pretty good- other than the fact that I am always aware of this little peanut in my belly. And that makes my mind wander. I find myself thinking a lot about what he'll look like. I'm grappling and grieving about the fact that he may not look like us...that he may look different from other babies & kids his age as he grows up. I feel sure that once I look into his eyes, he'll be beautiful to me, but I still worry. Growing up as a dancer in the entertainment world, I saw how much looks are revered. And I can acknowledge that my looks have not hurt me in life. (Wow. Did I say that out loud?) But, it's true.

I had a dream about Peanut last night. I dreamt that he was really healthy and beautiful... a little different...but still Gerber baby beautiful, and that he looked a lot like Christian. ...only he had one 'floppy' ear (his left one), but his right ear was exactly like an ear should be. It was cute. In the dream, my Mom was trying to push his ear up and reminding me that kids have their ears 'pinned back' all of the time. I said, "No, Mom. It's okay. This is a common trait with babies with Down Syndrome." I woke up secretly hoping that this was some sort of a premonition and not just an ordinary dream... I told my Mom about the dream today and she thought it was interesting that she was "trying to make everything alright"- that it was a subconscious rendering of how she really is. I think it was probably a little of my subconscious wanting everything to be alright too. Besides, what Mother wouldn't want to make everything alright for her kids? I'm personally glad to have a Mom who wants everything to be right for me. And I'm not ashamed that I seem to have inherited that trait too.

I find myself taking a little more time with Christian each day and kissing him more (If that is possible!) I am nervous about all of the attention that will have to be paid to Peanut with therapies and such, and am going to make a very conscious effort to spend quality time with Christian too. I know he'll be an amazing big brother. He got a baby doll for Christmas (a girl doll, though, thanks to the sexist marketing happening at Target & other retail stores! See the picture above.) It is incredibly precious to see how much he likes to feed the baby & watch it fall asleep. (Although, we will have to keep an eye on him when Peanut actually comes along, because we did see him "feeding" his baby a screw driver & cereal...not exactly appropriate infant food!) :)

Last thought: I was driving home with Christian yesterday (from a great day at KidSpace Museum with friends) and my mind was wandering onto the details of Peanut's life. Suddenly Christian says, out of the blue, "Don't worry, Mommy...Don't worry!"
Ahhhh...the wisdom that a two and a half year old can share is mind boggling!!


lrmcnam said...

I found myself grappling with appearances too when Dani was born, I anxiously looked at her precious little face and saw my flaws magnified. I was so surprised at my own preoccupations. It is a reality you will face, but a frivolous one when compared to an open soul. I would be anxious too if I were facing the unknown headed your way but you have your boys (including peanut) to show you the meaning behind the big picture. So don't worry Jen, Don't worry.

themodelszone1 said...

Hey Girl
I've been reading your blog and I am just so happy that you found this outlet and to share it with us all of us is simply amazing! i feel blessed. I know I would be stuggling with the wanting to know what the baby will look like, project into the future to see what stuggles he has ahead so you can prepare and protect him. Thats what we do as moms, we protect the ones we love and when we cant we prepare them. He will be beautiful.

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