Sunday, January 10, 2010

Hell-Bound

(23 weeks pregnant)

I'm kinda pissed off today. Not actively pissed off, but irritated-pissed off. Other than the first day I found out about Peanut's condition (when I had a few choice words with God,) I haven't been too mad about our situation. But, I think there have been a small accumulation of things that have me kinda pissed off today. Firstly, I should warn you all upfront that I am probably going to hell for some of the things I'm thinking, and now writing down. I decided to only research personal stories of DS, because I felt it was more uplifting and informative than all of the scary medical stuff. So, a few days ago, I clicked on a You Tube link that featured a 10 year-old girl with DS. My mouth dropped open and my first thought was, "Oh my G-d, she's so fat. Why is she so fat?" (See?! Hell is beckoning me.) She had some strange skin issue going on, plus the weight problem, plus coke bottle size glasses. It's depressing. What she was doing in the video would have probably been cute if I could've gotten over the shock of her appearance. A bunch of other people commented on the post..."How cute!", "What a sweetie!", "She's precious." ...And I am going to hell. I know there could be a million reasons why she was so overweight, and DS might not even be the biggest part of the problem. ...Her parents could weigh 400 lbs a piece for all I know. Maybe she eats Cheetos and Coke at every meal. Maybe the skin issue was a one time rash, badly timed with her debut on You Tube. But, I really hate that I'm thinking these things. I'm supposed to be a "bigger" person than this. Then, today, I found an article from the UK about a Mom who posted an ad to try to get her 21 year-old son with DS laid. ??!!!! She felt that she wanted to make sure he had every "normal" experience that people have. Ummm, hello? Is it "normal" to post an ad to get your son laid, DS or not??? (I have MANY strong feelings about this being extremely inappropriate.) This piggy backs on the recent conversation I had at a party. I will preface by saying that I know this woman was trying to be supportive. So, here it is: I'm talking to an acquaintance who knows our situation and who tells me about a good friend of hers who has a son with special needs (I believe he has Autism) and how this Mom will do anything to help her son. So, since this boy is a teenager now, she is teaching him how to masturbate. ("Please stop talking, please stop talking"...I try willing her to stop.) She doesn't. We go on like this- She, talking about how her friend just steps up to the plate and does what needs to be done. Me, feeling like I couldn't have heard ANYTHING worse in my entire life. Until now, I haven't shared this conversation with anyone. It was THAT traumatic for me. Is this what my life is going to be like??????????????? Kill me now.

Flash to my conversation with Charles last night. I own up to a couple of these thoughts and he reminds me that we don't know what is to come yet and until we do, we can't guess what it'll be like. Genius. THIS is why I love my husband. When I really need him to come through, he does. Every time. The thing is that I KNOW this in my head, but I can't stop the simultaneous freak-outs that happen on a daily basis. But to be a little fair to me, I am the one being kicked in the ribs 100 times a day, where he is not. I feel Peanut all day, every day and I can't help but worry about him already. After all, I am his Mother.

So, there it is. I actually said it. ...Well, I wrote it, which is almost worse because it's recorded. You can all use it against me when I'm being bad.

Hmmm...you know what? I actually think I feel better. ....Interesting.

3 comments:

evrfwd said...

I'll be seeing you in hell, gurl! ;)
seriously, thanks for your honesty. It is so important to let it flow.

The DuBois said...

So glad you put this down. If you are going to hell, I am going to beat you there! It must be so impossible to stay in the present moment, but I admire your ability to do so most days. It is only human to dip into the "what ifs" from time to time. I like that you are aware you are doing it, and then move on. Brava!

Carrie said...

Well look at it this way, you'll always be tan in hell;)
Seriously, I'm a little shocked and mortified by what your friend said to you. As to assume all children and/or adults need sexual stimulation like they need air. WOW!
I can't wait to meet your peanut and my bubba can't wait to play with him too. XOXO

There was an error in this gadget