So, I am working hard to shake the Bad Mommy feeling. It's the strangest thing how being a Mother, especially in the infant months, triggers a very primal response: The desire to feed and nourish your child. To prolong life. To help your child thrive. When he isn't thriving in a comfortable range, it makes me feel like it's my fault. My milk isn't good enough. I'm not good enough. I comfort myself with the fact that it's not for lack of trying. Much of my world has been about feeding this kid. I have thought through every equation: how many feeds, what kinds of food, how often, surrounding conditions. You name it. Plus I have access to a ton of professionals to make sure I haven't left a stone unturned. In every other way, Elijah seems the picture of health: he's content, he's smiley, he's a great sleeper, he plays, did I mention that he smiles a lot? A starving, unhappy baby does not smile a lot. See how I seem to keep justifying myself? Primal, people. Primal. It might not be rational, but it's what I'm feeling. At least I have a plan now. I do much better with a plan. I'm a plan kinda girl.
Today, Elijah started his first real schedule of therapies! We had both Physical Therapy (PT) and Occupational Therapy (OT) today, although they will normally be on different days (one session could only fit us in today this week, but next week we'll begin our "real" time slot). Elijah did GREAT! I thought the therapists were both knowledgeable and professional. I've already learned a few good tricks and have a few goals for the week set. It's awesome. I am finally taking a big breath of relief that we are in the system and getting started. I really think Elijah is ready, and today proved it. He lasted a good 40 minutes in each session before he started complaining. He complained more in the Physical therapy than in the Occupational, but that was to be expected. The OT was especially helpful because part of their expertise is in feeding. I told her the situation and she didn't seem worried about any of it. When I explained how Elijah eats, she was pleased to hear everything I said. I also told the PT what was going on with Eli's weight gain and she seemed even less bothered by it than the OT. She even seemed skeptical that I needed to supplement with formula. But, I'm not comfortable without a plan, so I'm taking my plan and sticking to it. In two weeks were going back to the doctor for a weight check, so I think I'll have some idea if it's helping or not.
It's been a big week for Elijah and I. What he feels...I feel. I can't believe how wrong I was as a child. I would roll my eyes whenever my Mother would say, "Believe me, this hurts me more than it hurts you!"
This moment made my week. Christian is becoming more and more involved with Elijah, and in this shot, he was insisting that he needed to hold him. He couldn't be a more proud big brother and although I couldn't catch a good shot showing how much Elijah loved it too...he did. However, I think I loved it best of all.