Ramblings when you don't know where, or with who, to ramble...

December 27, 2009- (21 weeks pregnant)

I used to journal... a lot..then there was Charles (who actually was a healthy relationship, and someone whom I didn't have to fill tear stained pages of journals about). Next, came my precious Christian, now 2 and a half years old, and who fills my days with that toddler energy that doesn't allow much time for journaling and self introspection. But now there will be baby-boy-yet-to-be-named (herein to be called "peanut") who I already need a source of journaling about...and since I'm Keeping-up-with-the-times-Mommy, I figured I'd try my hand at a blog.

The reason I need to blog about peanut can all be boiled down to one moment- the moment I call the "AFTER". Everything before it is the "BEFORE". The "AFTER" happened like this:
I was frantically collecting myself and Christian to get out the door for our morning workout, when I get a 'no caller id' phone call. I pick it up. A bubbly voice on the other end says, "This is Megan, calling from Dr. Jidali's office. We got the results of your amnio in and unfortunately, your baby has Down Syndrome."
..................................................Long pause for shock, grief, disbelief, irritation at the upbeat voice that had me falsely thinking, 'Must be good news or she wouldn't be so bubbly. And who the hell is Megan???' What I think I actually said was, "Ummmm..." Megan's follow up: "So, would you like to come in to the office or do you have any questions?" (This is one of those moments that you dream about re-doing with thick sarcasm.) But instead, I said, "I think I need to talk to my family. I'll call you back."
Hence, the AFTER. I actually look at things and dates and people and think, "Oh, that was from BEFORE."

My family is amazing. My friends are amazing. But we all know next to nothing about Down Syndrome. And I feel very alone. The numbers are something like 1 baby with Down Syndrome is born to approximately every 700-something births. That, to me, is not exactly common. When I was pregnant with Christian I didn't know what I was doing or how I would be as a Mom, but I passed dozens of other pregnant women every day and thought, "She probably doesn't know what she's doing either, and somehow we'll figure it out." The safety in numbers thing, I guess. Most days I'm fairly optimistic. I've heard some stories and talked to some other parents with a child with Down Syndrome (DS). They all talk about a specialness to their child they never dreamed of. All mention how challenging it is at times. I am having feelings and fears and hopes and thoughts every day and I'm not really sure who to talk to. The overall consensus is "that if anyone can do it, Jen, you can do it!" That is extremely comforting to think that my friends and family think that I will rise to the challenge. And I will...to the best of my ability. However, I need to ramble...Will he even look like us at all? Will he be sick with one condition or another all of the time? Will he be short? Will he beat odds? Will he be high functioning? Medium? Low? Will it matter to me? Will I...Will he...it never ends.

Sigh. It's been a little over 3 weeks since we got the news. I still have people to tell. The worst is when I tell someone or email someone and they either say nothing or don't respond. I know that they're probably thinking I need my space or that they'll say the wrong thing. I don't blame them at all.

Well, I do want to make sure I'm not throwing a pity party for one, because although I may feel that on occasion, I am also excited about our little peanut, feeling great in my pregnancy and generally optimistic that our little peanut will defy odds. So, that's my rambling for now and it feels pretty good to have an outlet. I'll ramble more soon...