Monday, February 15, 2010

Hormones. (You've been warned.)

I'm not sure how to begin, other than to say that I committed to myself that I would be completely honest in my blogging, as a way to deal with everything going on. So, honestly... I have not been doing very well for the last few days. I think I was able to put my energy into processing all of the news and feelings and adjustments that need to be done regarding our little Peanut. Until other harsh realities hit. In our case: the economy. We are definitely not the only ones to be experiencing financial and employment challenges these days. But, I think my skin is thin right now. Between pregnancy hormones, Christian's terrible two's stage, and financial crisis, I am just having an especially hard time dealing. I am worried. I am very worried and I haven't been able to put it to rest yet. In all of the worry and stress, I feel like the worst parent in the world and that Christian is acting out as a direct result of some neglect or bad parenting on my (and Charles') part. Yesterday, as Christian is flipping through an Elmo book, he says something that sounds like, "Fuckin move." And he repeats this a few times. I'm thinking that he must be saying something about a truck and that it's just coming out like the bad word instead. Then comes the follow up word, clear as day: "Goddammit." Then repeated over and over. I said, "Don't say that." His response: "G-ddammit, G-ddammit." I just said nothing, walked away and went and sat in my bedroom. It's kinda funny, but it's also really not. I didn't want to make the word exciting to Christian and since he's not even using it in context, I know that he was probably just repeating something he'd heard Mommy and Daddy say. GREAT. I don't like it when I lose it and curse, and I like it even less to hear it repeated back in the voice of my 2 and a half year old son. And I can't control Charles. He is a wonderful guy in so many ways, but a virtual "Nick Nolte" in his use of explicit language. So, here we are...struggling with intense financial issues and concurrently teaching our son the worst of lessons. Excuse me a moment while I go polish my Parent of the Year award...

Tonight, in an effort to unwind from a mostly stressful and awful day, I opened an email from the online support group run by the Down Syndrome Association of L.A. (DSALA). A parent posted a message, basically bashing the DSALA, because she had recently bought tickets to a comedy event sanctioned by the DSALA. The comic line-up was recently announced to including headliners like comedian Sarah Silverman. I have always found Sarah Silverman pretty crass, and while I occassionally found her comedy funny, I was mostly ambivilent about her. However, since it's the hip thing now to bash anything Sarah Palin (who has a son with Ds), Sarah Silverman has jumped on the bandwagon. Since Palin wants the R-word banned because of the hurtful, derogatory meaning it has, comedians like Silverman think that if you "drop the R-bomb" over and over again that it will lose it's "power". Interesting concept by very ignorant people. I was once also ignorant. I'll admit it. Even though I always aired on the politically correct side, I still sort of rolled my eyes at the number of PC terms that we have to keep up with. I thought: a rose is still a rose by any other name, right? Wrong. Now that I have personal stake and fledgling understanding of what it is like to be on the other side, I see how deeply words can hurt people. And, to me, it will just never be cool (or funny OR smart) to purposely hurt people. (Click here for my info on Sarah Silverman's comedy.) What bothers me even more than unfunny comedians is actually the negativity within the online support group toward the DSALA. I feel a little protective. So, I responded to the negative post with a comment to the effect of, "Hey! Some of us are new here and really need support, not negativity." (Because once the hormones start rolling, they seem to pick up speed, don't they? Mommies- are you with me?) I actually got a very nice and explanatory response back from the original poster, sharing a bit of the experience that led her to write what she did. The truth is that I 'get it'. I too, say what I think and occassionally get myself into trouble for it. It's cool. But I do need these other parents in this group right now. I need them so that I know I'm not alone.

Okay. I think that's about as upbeat as I'm going to get tonight. HA...I bet you're wondering where the upbeat part was...I probably missed it too. However, like other times, writing about it all actually has me feeling like I can go to bed and get a good night's sleep. Then, I'll wake up tomorrow and be "Snack Mom" at Christian's preschool. ..And hope he doesn't land me in the principal's office for cursing...

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