Today was supposed to be what I thought was our first Occupational Therapy appointment for Elijah. The best explanation is probably summed up by saying, I am confused. Nothing makes sense. There is no communication and trying to get a handle on it all seems to be above my skill set, at this moment. The...
And onto my next grievance. My birthday is coming up. I like celebrating, am not incredibly bothered by another passing year, but there is a haunting memory that I can never seem to lose. It was the year I turned 21, (yes that was 1922 for those of you doing the math...) and I planned to have some friends over for a party out at my parents house. Basically, 3 people showed up- my two best friends at the time and my now Ex, who was deathly ill and spent the whole time in an upstairs bedroom anyway. Joyous occasion it was. It made me re-evaluate who I considered friends. I don't recall all of the details, but I know how it made me feel and it took a long time to shake. Well, I guess it's still a bit of a fear- to think you have rock solid friendships and then they flake on you and the true colors of the friendship aren't so pretty. For years, I've said that if I do anything for my birthday, it's only because I want to and if anyone shows up, that is just a bonus. This year, I have yet to make more than a half hearted effort to round people up, but I did send a cursory text today. Somehow in the course of texting (which is a truly ridiculous form of communication, I know) I managed to get snubbed a few times. Some from no response and some from, "Oooh, sorry, I have to wash my hair that day." There was no ill intent and I know that a number of the responses are delayed because of trips and work, etc. I think I'm just feeling a little vulnerable about the old birthday ghosts, and a little irritated that it requires SO much effort to get a few people I love together. I spend my days planning events and I get a little burnt out when it comes to something for me. Hey- let me make a huge effort to round you up to celebrate ME. yuck.
I needed to write today. I needed to use this crazy online, universe baring, blogging-journal thing to do what I need it to do: be an outlet. I needed to get out the frustration, a few tears (and...cue...) and say that today I feel just a little defeated in the process of life. Today was weirdly emotional and it's not really all that surprising. I had an overly full work weekend, which meshed right into my regular week- including work and family scheduling. I am tired. And I ate 3 cupcakes (and a salad), instead of a well balanced meal. It is just like when I watch my children melt down, and I go through the mental list:
Perhaps this picture of Christian that I didn't even know was on my camera, taken by Charles at some point I'm unaware of, explains how I'm feeling best: