Christmas "Break"

Mama needs a break.

You know it's bad when I start referring to myself as a child-bearer in the third person.

I adore Christmas...truly adore it. Both for what it really stands for and also for all of the tinsely, lit up splendidness of it all. However, somehow this year, I went into the Christmas holiday on a deficit and I'm having trouble catching up. Between my work schedule and Charles' work schedule, it has been double duty on passing the baton- which has meant little, to no, time together and little, to no, self-time. I have realized that I am not really "great" at anything- being a good Wife, a good Mother, a good Teacher, a good Businesswoman- when I haven't had some alone time to recoup.  Christmas was full of all of the traditions I enjoy so much, and seeing the joy my boys were experiencing was very heartwarming, but it didn't quite hold the magic I'm used to...because I'm tired. And Mama needs a break. There are a couple of spa gift cards with my name on them from last year and I am planning on cashing them in. Stat.

The very, very best part of Christmas, though, is seeing it through my boys eyes...



Santa filled the stockings...and even "George" got a Paw print stocking filled with goodies.



Santa delivered our first Christmas train! We have all had dreams of an adorable battery operated train set to circle the tree and have been enjoying this one immensely!



The view after Santa had visited on Christmas Eve, along with my beautiful table setting. (This year, through my Event Design business, I created some floral arrangements and tablescapes that we sold to add just a little ease and beauty to people's holiday tables. I loved this "Glam Christmas" version we did, and made an extra for myself!)

Christmas morning arrived, but luckily my boys are sleepers and woke at their regular time...



On Christmas morning, Christian got the drums he had been asking for from Santa! Yes. I might be crazy. Please refer back to sentence number 1 from this post.



But, just look at his face...sheer happiness.



Elijah tore through the stockings and loved every minute, but his favorite toy was the Alphabet Train Santa brought.  He loves, loves, LOVES this thing...



Our big gift to ourselves this year was "George".

This dog has really captured our hearts, but the most amazing gift came the day after Christmas.

The Rescue that we got George from (called Mutt Match LA) requires you to have a recommended trainer come to give you some help training your dog. George is a good natured, easy going, loveable dog, but he's also young. He is persistent around food and has been chewing quite a bit. (In fact, we had a song started to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas." It went something like this: "On the fifth day of Christmas my dog chewed up for me: Five... Precious... Binkies...   Fo-ur pairs of shoes, three plastic cows, tw-o tupperware, and a string of  lights on the Christmas tree!")

 But, on the day after Christmas, a true "Dog Whisperer" walked into our house, showed us how to speak to George in his language (body language...not barking language) and we instantly watched George transform before our eyes. I have never seen anything like it. Now, George sits in front of the door when we eat and even if I threw a scrap of food near him, he wouldn't move a muscle to get it until I tell him it's okay. He's completed connected with me now when I take him for walks and it has been a ton of fun taking him out for a couple of runs lately. The trainer told us that when George starts to see us as his "pack", the destructive chewing is likely to diminish or stop. I'm still knocking on wood, but it has been two days since he's chewed anything up!!



School starts again for Christian on January 2nd. On one hand, I'm sort of looking forward to the school schedule again, but on the other hand we were having so many problems with one of the kids at school, that I'm kind of dreading it. My plan was to get Christian together with another boy from his class to help encourage a newer friendship that might not be so dramatic, but it hasn't happened yet. With all of the commitments and the busyness of the season, I just haven't been able to make it happen. We still have a few semi-relaxed days left, so I'm hoping to still pull it off!

Tomorrow, I have big plans for a yoga class in the morning as a first step in re-grouping. Sunday I have big plans for a spa pedicure and a girls night. And somewhere thrown in there, I plan to pack up the Christmas decorations and enjoy the feeling of a fresh start, a scaled-down living room (sans Christmas tree), and the whiff of a New Year and all of the adventures waiting for me.

I love Christmas time and all the hominess and warmth that it brings, but I also love the anticipation of starting something new. A new year. A fresh start. A little break to regroup and then pick up my pace again. Hey...if my dog can be transformed with a perspective change, then I'm pretty sure I can too...

Believe...

The season is upon us and I'm embracing it wholeheartedly. It's easy to do that when there is a five year old and 2 year old in the house. Last weekend we decorated the Christmas tree, got our holiday cards ready to go and began the talks about what Christmas is really about. My five year old, Christian, asks tough questions. I'll admit that I felt more comfortable sticking to the made-up legends of Santa Claus coming down the chimney, than to screw up on the big questions about Jesus that he is bound to have...



And let's face it, Santa is great bribery. He knows when you've been naughty or nice.  And if you're not nice? Well...no good comes from that- Santa will be sure. Right? Well, Christian didn't seem to be buying it. He wasn't to be deterred on his questions: How does Santa know if we've been naughty or nice? How does he get to all the boys and girls in the world? Why can't I see him? My pat answer of, "Well, It's magic..." just didn't seem to cut it. He kept looking at me like, "So that's your answer? That's all you got?" I turned to Facebook for some help: Apparently, the "help" comes in the form of the popular book and toy, "The Elf on the Shelf". Everyone assured me that it answered all of the questions and left the biggest skeptics believing well past the assumed years of "Belief". The idea behind the "Elf on the Shelf" is that you each get your own personal elf who keeps watch over your behavior and flies back to see Santa at the North Pole each night. He reports on your behavior and then flies back to your home...only he never seems to land in the same spot. This is where the parents come in. Our job is, of course, to move the Elf each night until Christmas. I have avoided the Elf this long because of this very responsibility. It seems that the stakes just keep going up for these Elves. It's just not enough to place him on a different shelf each night. You've got to come up with "scenarios" and "shenanigans" that are convincing enough to keep your kid(s) in line til Dec 25th. Oh...and if you touch the Elf? Well, it loses it's magic and it can't fly back to Santa anymore.

So. I don't make a full commitment. I borrow the book and give new life to a small Elf I received on top of a Christmas package one year. I read Christian the story and the first order of business is to name the Elf. I look at Christian and ask, "So, what do you think? What should we name him?" He thinks for a moment and says, "Van." Van??! Was he looking at out my car when he came up with this name or does the Elf look slightly Nordic to him...? I tried a little encouragement. "Are you sure you want his name to be Van? He's going to be our Elf for a very long time." He was sure, so "Van" it is.  I suggested we start by telling Van what he wants for Christmas, so that when he flies back to the North Pole, he can let Santa know.  We approach Van, who already happens to be sitting on a shelf. I looked at Van and then looked to Christian, "Well...go ahead."

Christian simultaneously takes a giant sigh and sits down on a nearby table. "Mom." He says. "Mom. I need to tell you something."
Me: "Okay...what do you need to tell me?"
C: "That, (pointing at the elf) is not real." "You and I are real." "That is just a....Christmas thing."

I played it cool. "Okay. Well, that's what the book says, Christian.  I guess we'll just have to see."
And there hence started the upping of the Elf stakes. All to get him to Believe...

The first night Van was hanging upside down from the dining room chandelier. The next night, reading "Twas the Night Before Christmas" on the fireplace mantle. Then, rappelling down the blinds and sleeping in a bed of cloth napkins.  All is going well...and finally, Christian seems to Believe!


Christian's tree in his room. He decorated it (and his room) all by himself. And, Van rappelling down the blinds.

 Kindergarten was a challenge this week. Christian has become close with a boy from his class named Elijah (I know- go figure.) I've met Elijah and he seems like a sweet enough kid. But, all I've been hearing about this week is how Elijah says that Christian isn't his friend anymore. It was all Christian could talk about, so come Wednesday, I decided maybe it would be best to have a talk with the two boys and help to model how to solve friendship problems. All I can say is...it didn't go well. I sat down with both boys, kept my mood light and cheerful and said, "So, Elijah, Christian tells me that you don't want to be his friend anymore? Do you think you could tell me why?" Elijah wouldn't look at me. He said, "Well my brother doesn't want me to be friends with Christian anymore." To say that was the last thing I expected to hear, would be an understatement. I've met his brother who is only a few years older...maybe 8 or 9?...so, I tried: "Well, do you like Christian?" He said yes. So I said, "Okay. Well maybe you could tell your brother that you really like Christian and you guys have a lot of fun at school together, but that he's your brother so he'll always be a best friend to you?" (Thinking maybe it's a jealousy thing??) Elijah still wouldn't look at me. He said, "Oh, I don't think I could do that because my brother is in charge of me and he would slap me." At this ;point I didn't quite know what to do. This isn't a typical response. I've met Elijah's Mom and Grandparents and brother and while I can't know for sure, I'm not getting an abuse vibe going on. I'm not even 100% sure of how I left the situation. I think it might have been something like, "Okie dokie. Well, we better go. See you tomorrow!"

On the way home from school, I played up the idea that maybe it was just best to focus on the friends that DO want to be your friend and to try not to worry about Elijah.  But, the very next day on the way to school, the subject came up again. Christian said, "Maybe Elijah will be my friend again today!" I said, "Maybe, sweetie. But, I would try not to worry about Elijah. Why don't you spend more time with your other friends?"  Christian got very quiet and then in the saddest, most tearful voice I've ever heard said, "I must be the worst kid in the whole world."  I thought I might crash the car, so I pulled over. "No sweetie! No. You're a great kid and there are lots of friends who really, really like you. If Elijah doesn't want to be your friend, then that is his loss."  Christian seemed a little bit pepped up by the time we got to school, but I still saw sad shoulders as he walked into the play yard.  I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. When I went to pick him up, I decided to talk to the teacher first to see if there was anything else I could do. She basically said that there was nothing else I could do, that having a friendship was very, very challenging for Elijah. She didn't mention diagnosis or any specifics, but it seemed clear that we were dealing with a child who has some pretty big social challenges. Christian was upset again when I picked him up, saying that Elijah had called him a "Baby head". I tried to explain to Christian that Elijah has a hard time with his friends. I explained to say that he has a lot of feelings and maybe it's hard for him to show those feelings properly.  I tried saying that I know it doesn't feel good- that it's happened to me too, but I just don't know how much of the hurt it takes away.

Ugh- it's so painful to watch your kid struggle with this. I never feel like I'm saying the right thing, and no matter what I do say, I can't take away all of the pain for him. It sucks. We walked away from school on Friday, with just one small bit of good news; "Guess what?" I said. "It looks like we are going to finally get George tomorrow!!"

We have been in the process of trying to adopt a dog, "George", since October. But, there were gates and fences to fix, winter colds and flus thrown in and here we are in December, only now finally trying to finalize the adoption.  George came over on Saturday, all shiny and black, with his wagging tail friendliness. Christian was in heaven. A boy and his dog. We received some great suggestions, a bag of his dog food and a warm goodbye from his foster Mom. If there is anything that can heal the wounds of a difficult friend week at school, it has got to be time to run and just be "a boy with a dog". George is one of the most patient, friendly dogs I think I've met. Nothing seems to rile him. He's not a barker, he's easy going and he's just energetic enough to keep up with the demands of a 5 year old ("George come here! Come here George! Catch this George! George come here!") They already look like peas in a pod. Christian was very serious when he asked me, "How am I going to get George to follow me around? I need him to follow me around." I reminded him about all of the ways we need to take care of a dog and that makes them trust us and want to follow us around.  I asked him, "Hey. Do you remember what kind of dog George is?" He thought for a second..."a Fat Robe Catriever?" When my brain processed what he meant ( A Flat Coat Retriever), I couldn't stop laughing. A boy and his Fat Robe Catriever.  It has a good ring...



We spent the weekend in a relaxed state- all tired (and sick) from a long week. Christian played outside with the dog from morning til night...working on his bond so that George will "follow him around". We hung Christmas lights on the house, made Oatmeal Raisin cookies and didn't get out of PJs until well after noon. It was well needed.  Just before bed, Christian had a special art project he had made for Santa that he wanted to give to Van the Elf. He insisted on putting it near Van himself and swore that he would be careful not to touch him. Two minutes later, Christian came out. "I accidentally touched Van." I saw it as a test, because there were no tears, he wasn't devastated. So, I said, "Uh oh. We better go online and see if there is anything we can do." So I Googled, 'What happens if you accidentally touch the elf on the shelf?' For real. I really did that. And you know what? There were answers. I found one blog and read it to Christian as if it were fact. "Well, it says here that if you accidentally touch the elf, you have to email Santa to let him know. Santa will then mail you some magic dust to sprinkle onto the elf to give him back his powers."  So...tonight, I will not have to up the ante. Tonight, Van will remain in his Harmonica-playing-Shelf-position for an extra night while I fashion a letter sent from Santa containing some sort of magic dust...which I'm assuming looks exactly like iridescent glitter, which I just so happen to have! Voila!

Because if I can't take away all of my son's friendship "hurts" then I can at least lie my ass off to  create an air of Christmas magic to help him....Believe...

Oh, Patience, Where Art Thou?

We've disembarked from a month full of Thankfulness, as my friends on Facebook reminded me of every day in the month of November. Little messages of thankfulness were posted during the last 30 days for everything from "great family" to "a functioning DVR player that allows them to catch up on Empire Boardwalk episodes"...My thankfulness was present, but my demeanor a little weary. We, like many families who live in Los Angeles, have been struggling for a few years. We do what we love, we work hard, and we practice patience, but every once in awhile I struggle to stay optimistic. Charles and I literally cannot work any harder than we already do. My brain spins as to how to make our life work, how to be creative and ingenious about making an income while still being the primary caretaker of my boys. Usually, I rally. Usually, I can find the silver lining and focus on the positive, but I'll admit that leading up to the holidays this year, it's been a little harder to brush away the nagging fears.

Focusing on the positive is a choice. I absolutely know that there is no good that comes out of being sad or depressed....those things don't solve anything, and then you're just...sad and depressed. So, I put one foot in front of the other and I practice patience.

Because of the stress I've been under, I've found my patience waning. My temper is shorter and I've found myself shouting more times than I care to recognize. Sigh. My 5 year old is part of my heart. I can't even explain the love and bond I feel for my firstborn (though, I'm sure I don't even have to explain to those of you who are there with me...) But, Christian is a challenge at times. He is strong willed and smart...a fairly lethal combination. When he has a "bad day"...it is a BAD day. Like today. When I arrived to pick him up from Kindergarten, he was sitting inside the classroom reading a book while all of the other kids argued over who got to ride the tricycles outside (He's usually one of them.) For a moment, I thought, "Aww...why is my sweetie reading a book inside instead of playing?" And then I realized...oh. yeah. And his teacher approached. We talked. Christian looked sheepish. There were meltdowns. There were shenanigans. There were consequences. And, unfortunately, after a day like that, I didn't feel that I could take him to see "Santa's Helper" at the mall, as I had suggested before school. Therefore, there were more meltdowns. And more shenanigans. I found myself having a little self-talk: Calm down, Jen. ...What would Jesus do? ...Well, Jesus didn't have kids. Plus Jesus was perfect. And I am not, and I have no clue what to do... Deep breath. Pull it together. Be patient. I'm trying by re-invigorating our existing chart and adding a few extra incentives to it. I even gave Christian a do-over option today: If he was a great listener at his swim lesson, then he could earn a point toward seeing "Santa's Helper" (who will now require a point total of 7 in order to be earned, by the way.) We talked, he agreed. He was going to make good choices in swim lesson and be a great listener.

From minute one in swim lesson all I heard was, "Christian!" "No, Christian!" "Christian, I need you to listen!" "Christian!" I was seriously ready to lose it. I marched right into the office and asked for a different class- one that is earlier in the day, because clearly at 6pm at night, my kid cannot handle it. Not even when a trip to see "Santa's Helper" is at stake. Frankly, I didn't do well today either. There was some yelling, for sure. There were things said that probably don't come out of a "How to be a Better Parent handbook". So, I put the boys to bed and I vow to do better. To be more patient. To try again. Tomorrow. ...And hope that I am not the main and primary reason they end up in therapy down the line....



Elijah has been my little rock star lately. His receptive language seems to be exploding, and he is incredibly motivated by people. We had a home visit with some of the therapists from his school on Friday. They came to see him in his home environment, and applauded his every attempt. For a moment I thought, "Wow. He may have a rude awakening one day when people aren't applauding every single thing he does..." But, I think he actually might live his whole life with people applauding him all along. That's just how he is. People root for him. He roots for himself. And it's contagious.

On Saturday, we attended his friend Nathan's 2nd Birthday. Nathan also has Down syndrome and there were a lot of the other kids and parents from the Jump Start program at the party.  Elijah was crawling over toward Nathan's Dad and seemed to decide that it might be better to stand up and trying walking over there instead...he planted his feet and STOOD UP. No assistance necessary. Then, promptly fell down to thunderous applause and me screaming, "Oh my gosh!!!!! He's never done that before!!!!!!!!!" The coolest thing was that everyone there "Gets it". They were celebrating right along with me. It's not like Elijah stood up and did a back flip, but for him, just standing up independently is about as hard at this point in his life.  He was absolutely thrilled by his attempts (He did it 3 or 4 times in a row) and by the response he got from everyone. I tried to take a picture, or video or something, but my brain went into temporary shock and I ceased to know how to work my camera.  Here's a photo of him enjoying some time in the bounce house instead. That's all I got.  But there are witnesses. :)



I was waiting to blog until I was feeling optimistic and positive again. But, you know, I'm just not there YET. I'm a little impatient and my fuse is a little short. I still have a lot. I still have so much to be thankful for. But, there are also a few things that I have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other on. There are some things that I just have to vow to try again for a little more patience tomorrow.

I was reminded of an experiment the other day. It's the one where a professor fills up a jar with golf balls and asks his students, "Is it full?"  They all reply Yes. Then he pours sand into the jar and it fills in the crevices between the balls and asks again, "Is it full?" The students again reply Yes. He says that we should view life like the jar. The golf balls represent the big things- friends, family, love. The sand represents the little things- the "stuff" that we want, but don't necessarily need. The professor reminds his students that if he were to have filled his jar with the little things first, there wouldn't have been enough room for the big things...the things that matter. I've thought about this a lot the last few days as I've been trying to rally back to my optimistic place, and it's true. I also have to remember that sometimes when you are going without the "little things" it easy to forget about the big things- the ones that really matter. I decided to write tonight, not because I am in a great place and feeling wise and patient. I wrote because I'm not feeling either wise or patient, but the act of admitting it and putting it in writing always seems to have a balancing effect for me.

I may not have patience today, but tomorrow is a new day to try again...

Some of my "big things": (From Thanksgiving Day)

Do or Do not. There is no "try" -Yoda

Why does it seem that despite best efforts, there is always someone else who seems to do it better, more fully and with ease? We had a lot of fun this Halloween, but easy it was not. Despite a work schedule and the never ending schedule of school, homework, and housework I managed to get the boys and I properly squared away with costumes and plans for Halloween. The day started with Elijah, in a Yoda costume for his day of "school":



He rocked his costume and was eating up all of the attention his therapists were giving him. Such a "ham"! I had the thought to come in costume myself that morning, but just didn't have it in me to get into full Princess Leia regalia at 7:30 in the morning.  From Elijah's school, we hurried over to Christian's school to help him get into his costume (we were asked to pack it and  not dress them in it) for the school Halloween Parade.



If you aren't an avid Star Wars follower (like me), then I'll let you know that Christian was dressed as Anakin Skywalker. He set the whole tone for our family costumes this year. School doesn't allow props or masks, so Christian had to leave the extras at home.  After the parade, we were handed a special goody bag from 3 of Christian's classmates- Triplets, dressed to the nines (like always) in adorable coordinating Bear costumes. The goody bags were perfectly accessorized with a foam cut-out of either a bat, a witch hat or a pumpkin with a custom gift tag. The tag had a professional looking portrait of the triplets in their costumes and an appropriate Happy Halloween greeting. Yeah...remind me if I ever do that, that just because you CAN, doesn't mean you SHOULD. I left feeling like I had "phoned in" Halloween, without so much as a Dum-Dum lollipop to hand out.

I took the boys home, comforted by the thought that we had a whole 4 hours to pull our act together, get naps and get dressed in our Halloween costumes yet again, before a fun night of trick or treating with friends. 

L.A. traffic will always conspire against you.

So, we were a half an hour late meeting our friends, and it was just me and my two little ones, as Charles wasn't off of work until later. We split up the neighborhoods we were trick or treating in and it's just never easy when there is a stroller and two excited boys in tow. It was more of a workout than I anticipated. However, Christian had a blast with his friends and Elijah was completely content snuggled into the stroller to tag along. We ended the night by stopping at a friend's house, who had opted to stay in to hand out candy and "drink wine". Charles met us there and surprised us all by coming in costume as a Dark force character- complete with life-like Light Saber. Despite a day of running around, the holiday felt fun and complete come night's end.





The memories that I make with my kids on holidays seem fuller, richer and more alive than before I had them. But, I wouldn't say it's always easy. Looking back, I wouldn't change much about the way we celebrated this year, but I am looking forward to the possibility that we could be stroller-free by this time next year. Fingers crossed, anyway.

Just for Today

I haven't been writing. Whenever I have "churning" emotionally, I tend to procrastinate until I know where it stems from and what it's all about. Elijah is officially 2 and a half. He doesn't walk. He doesn't talk. If someone would have told me I'd be in this place at 2 and a half while I was still pregnant, I probably would have cried myself to sleep. It's true that Elijah doesn't walk independently yet- but he WILL. He is so motivated, and his face lights up when he grabs the push toy to walk around with. He gets around. The hardship for me comes more in the form of not being able to take him everywhere. A carnival or pumpkin patch with only dirt ground is a challenge. So, we work around it- with Charles and I passing the baton when necessary so that both of our boys get a full range of experiences. Elijah also doesn't talk. He really doesn't have a single word, unless you count "Yeah.", which he uses frequently and with surprising accuracy. But, his eyes are amazingly expressive, he uses about a dozen signs and knows many more, and between telling sounds and facial expressions, there isn't too much left for interpretation.

Example: Interpret this.


Right?! Not hard to see the adoration and love there.

I had Elijah's first assessment at his new Jump Start program. It went well, for the most part. What is clear is that Elijah has very quickly amassed a fan club. The therapists all gathered to talk about where he is at developmentally, where his delays are and what goals we have for the near future. However, they all turned giddy as they talked about how "Elijah makes them feel so special. He makes them feel like they are his favorite- divvying out hugs and blowing kisses...until they pass him off to another therapist and they see how he uses the same charm on the next person too. All is forgiven once they get him back, though, because he wins them over again with just a smile." What a gift! It was such a treat to sit through that and to get to hear the kind of effect my son is having on the people around him. He definitely has delays- anywhere from 41%-90% (Only speech production is a 90% delay), with most falling between 41-59%. It's a lot, and it does give me pause every once in awhile, when I think about how much he really isn't doing yet. However, I am a firm believer that people skills are one of the biggest components of a "successful life". If that is true, Elijah is off to a great start!

The last few weeks have been a balance of school for the boys, work for me, doctor appointments (lots of preventative- with a full hearing screen for Elijah, plus the run-of-the-mill appointments for cold and flus), and the traditional fall must-dos: Pumpkins patches, School Halloween carnivals, and Halloween parties.





There's potentially big news for our little family: We might be getting a dog!! We lost our sweet "Buddy" (whose picture still resides in my blog sidebar) just 3 weeks before Elijah was born.. With a newborn and the pain of grief still fresh, I couldn't even think about getting another dog. Originally, we thought we wanted a puppy. But, with a toddler who isn't walking yet, a Puppy would be an insane amount of work. I got a message from a friend who is a foster family for a local Dog Rescue Organization, about a young 2 year old dog that she thought might be a good fit for our family. I looked the dog up on the Rescue's website and immediately got a good vibe. We set up a time to have the dog, named George, out to our house for a meet and greet. George came by yesterday and made himself right at home. Christian immediately fell into the role of boy-needing-companion and gave him some water to drink from his toy watering can. My heart did a little flip flop. Once Elijah woke from his nap, he was immediately interested. In fact, I've never seen him so interested or engaged with a dog before. My parents have dogs, and frankly neither of my kids ever seem very excited by them...but with this dog, it was truly heart warming. George was so gentle. Definitely the kind of dog that isn't going to get worked up if there are kids getting a little rough with him (not that I'm going to let that happen.) Now that we have met George, we can't stop thinking about him. Our fingers are crossed that the rescue owner feels like we'd be a good fit too!!! (It's no joke- she came out and shook our back fence to see if a dog launched himself at it, would it fall over? While it's not possible for us to replace our entire back fence at this time, I certainly hope she can see that we are a family that could love and care for a dog, and that he would become a welcome addition to our family...but, until I get a response to my "We want him!" email, we are holding our breath...) Here he is, affectionately nicknamed, Gorgeous George:



I have anxieties- about giving my kids what they need, properly taking care of myself, over the fact that I have a workload list that is a mile long, that finances are still such a challenge, and more. It would be so easy to fall apart (and every once in awhile there are those days), but my boys never let me. Either from Elijah and his generous hugs and new skill of blowing lip-smacking kisses, or Christian who tells me how much he loves me (to the moon and back- to infinity) all day long. I'll tell ya, I waited longer than most for Christian to say, "I love you" unprompted. Now, there isn't an hour that passes without him saying it. So, I look at them, at Charles and at what we do have and I remind myself of an old saying, "Just for today". Just for today, I got some work done, spent quality time with my kids and did something for me (writing). And that's enough. Just for today. Tomorrow, I will tackle new things, and whatever I do or don't do, that will be enough too. But, I have to remind myself of this. Everyday.





Just for today I will appreciate my beautiful boys and their very different skill set. I don't need to solve every one of my problems today. Today, as it turns out, was perfectly lovely...

"Normal" or "Real"?

Week two of Kindergarten, my son was sent home with a poster entitled "All About Me", and a note from his teacher asking for the parents' help with the poster. It would be due back in a week's time. My creative juices started flowing and I had to remind myself that I wouldn't go overboard. This is not about me. However, I can never truly let a creative challenge go unattended, so I talked to Christian about the poster. I asked him for the answers to the questions on the poster. They were:
Name: Christian
Age: 5
Favorite Color: Green (Well...it's really "Green, Blue and Red" and he refuses to choose between them, so I told him that we need to choose just one, so we'll choose green.)
Favorite Animal: Cat
Favorite Food: Fruit
The rest of the questions wanted a drawn picture or a photograph to accompany the answer. They were:
This is what I look like: Attached a photo.
My Family: Attached a photo.
Favorite Place: The beach. Attached a photo.
My Favorite thing to do is: Play with water. (SOOOO True!) Attached a photo.
If I had just one wish, I would wish for: A Dog. Attached a photo by Christian's request of our deceased dog, Buddy. (Cue the heart ache.)

The last question we addressed is a question I've asked my son many times and received the same answer everytime:

When I grow up I want to be....

His answer is the same, everytime.............................When I grow up I want to be: Normal.  When I press him on it, thinking he doesn't really understand the question and offer up answers like Basketball Player? Doctor? City Planner? He says, "NO!! I want to be NORMAL. Like YOU."  I find this answer so amusing. a) Because I don't really know what "Normal" is. and b) "Normal" actually sounds like a pretty great thing to strive to be.  But, just for fun, I considered the picture or photograph that should be attached.  What kind of picture says, Normal?  I giggled to myself as I looked for the funniest, most NOT normal picture of myself that I could find.  I found it in an old folder from a silly book club gathering I attended, where I donned a set of fake teeth and posed with a "What?? Do I look funny?" kind of expression on my face. The photo:




I added some text across the picture that answered the open ended question of When I grow up I want to be.."Normal...like my Mom." I took a deep breath and as funny as I thought it was, I realized that I was taking a chance that the Kindergarten teacher would get my sense of humor. I mean, she doesn't know me...In absence of actually knowing me, is this just...freaky???

We finished the poster and handed it in by the due date. Haven't heard a word about it since. Last week, however, we had Back to School Night.  First, there were informal presentations at various booths about the things that concerns school: Spirit wear, Fundraising, Lice, Parent Association, etc. Then there was the more formal presentation in each classroom. I sat thrilled to hear about all of the things they have begun working on and what the year will hold in regard to the curriculum, field trips and behavioral rewards. As the presentation concluded, the teacher invited us to walk between the two adjoining Kindergarten classrooms where we heard the presentation. I strolled around looking at the artwork and began to notice all of the "All About Me" posters. I took note of the answers on one after another, after another...

When I grow up, I want to be...

A Doctor
A Teacher
A Doctor
A Doctor
A Lawyer
A Teacher
A Firefighter

Then:



Normal. Like my Mom.


Oh God.

Luckily, it makes me giggle. It's going to be up on those Kindergarten walls for quite some time. And there's a good chance that the people who have seen it, just think I'm weird. Haha. Yep. That's me! The poster child for Normal.

I shared this story, because I've been thinking about how it would be easy to take life too seriously. I believe that laughter is one of the best medicines and that the ability to laugh at yourself is probably the key to getting through the rough patches. I'm renewing my commitment to surrounding myself only with the people and the things that I truly enjoy. I recently had to take a step back in a social situation because it wasn't healthy for me. This week, in every spare moment of time I can muster, I am going to get rid of the physical clutter that exists in and around my home. Bags going to Goodwill and a truck of Got Junk should be headed out of the house by weeks end. This could be a source of contention between my husband and I.  We deal with clutter a little differently. So, fingers crossed that when we get a small breath of fresh air and hint of feng shui that it will inspire us both to live with less.

I read Kelle Hampton's book, "Bloom", this week. If you're not familiar with her, she writes an enormously popular blog entitled "Enjoying the Small Things". Her blog went viral after she unexpectedly gave birth to a baby girl with Down syndrome. I've been reading her blog since shortly after Elijah was born. Reading her book gave a much fuller insight into who she is and what her story is. While I related to so much of what she went through in her journey of dealing with her daughter's diagnosis, it was really the ending of her book that resonated most with me. She explains that someone emailed her the story of the Velveteen Rabbit, in relation to whether or not people will see her daughter with Down syndrome as beautiful. But she realizes that this story is really more about HER journey. I find the words of The Velveteen Rabbit to be so beautiful, and so wise, so very much about each person's own journey. Here is the snippet I'm speaking of:

The Story of the Velveteen Rabbit

“Real isn’t how you are made…” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand…”

I don't really know what the true definition of "Normal" is, but I'm beginning to understand what it means to be "Real". Maybe "Normal" is what you get to consider yourself after you've gone through the hardships that have shaped you. The place that once you let go of all of the insecurities and fears about what others will think. The time when you stop gossiping or putting others down because you actually feel badly about yourself. Maybe the time when you just are is when you're Normal. If so, I'd like to think that my son's wishes to be Normal when he grows up, might be the very, very best thing he could want to be...

But, just so you know....this week as I drove Christian home from school, he said, "Mom. When I grow up I want to be a Train Conductor."

Really??!

Seriously??

You couldn't have thought of this 2 weeks ago??

First Day of Jump Start

Elijah started the Jump Start program on Tuesday. The Jump Start program is a center-based, early intervention program that will provide Elijah with all of his one on one therapies: Physical, Occupational, Speech and Child Development Services in one place. It is all combined in a school-like atmosphere, where social skills are learned through circle time and snack time interactions. He had been receiving 6 hours a week of therapy before starting this program. Now he will receive 15 hours a week. 

Day one and my heart cannot even begin to translate the feelings to words, but I'll try.

He wore a backpack. (Okay...I'll admit that it's sort of a dupe backpack. It has nothing in it because I didn't want him to be weighed down, and it wasn't even big enough to fit all of his first day necessities.)



I appreciate my baby boy. I find him generally a joy to be around. He's soft. I mean, he's extra soft...maybe it's the low muscle tone that means he melts into your arms just a little bit more, but he's just soft all-around. His hair is super soft. His skin is super soft. He has a funny sense of humor. He makes us all laugh. A lot. He's smart. He can't say any words yet, but it's easy to "catch his drift" none the less. These things and more are what I appreciate about Elijah. But when I pass him off to strangers, I wonder, Will they see the same thing? Will they "get him"? Will they appreciate him or see him as just a diagnosis?

Morning drop off on Elijah's first day went well. He didn't cry and didn't put up a fight. Like my firstborn at Kindergarten, he confidently went with the therapist who took him to join the other kids for circle time. I got about 1 block away before the tears started. I simply cannot explain these tears. These first days of school tears come unwelcomed. Don't get me wrong: I am looking forward to just a little bit of "me time", where I can run some errands ALONE, take yoga class, concentrate on work, or just- as I did on Elijah's first day- walk aimlessly around CVS. I'll admit that I felt a little lost though. It is weird to drive around in my car, during morning hours without anyone else in it.

The 3 hours passed quickly (read: I barely got anything done) and I returned a little early to witness the kids and therapists doing their closing circle time.  They were singing a song about 5 monkeys (Not the "5 Little Monkeys Jumping on a Bed" song) and the therapist gave 5 of the kids little stuffed toy monkeys. Elijah got one. As they sang, he lifted his monkey high into the air, and with as much gusto as I've seen him use, he waved that monkey around. Then he put the monkey in his mouth and shook his head like a dog shakes a toy...okay, I realize that sounds a little crazy, but believe me: it was SUPER cute and funny. He didn't look tired or cranky. He wasn't having a melt down. My fears that the transition would be tough were temporarily allayed. The Goodbye song concluded and the therapist brought him back to me- beaming and happy to see Mommy.

I asked the therapist how he did and she responded with an enthusiastic, "Great! He had a great first day!" She gave me a little report about the things he especially loved (the ball pit, the floor to ceiling windows) and then another therapist standing nearby piped in. She said, "I have been here 4 years, and I have never seen a kid have a better first day than Elijah had."  I was blown away. I felt a resounding relief wash over me. He loves it here. I knew he would!

Today, when I took Elijah back to the program, I half expected it to be more difficult than the first day. It's highly possible that once Elijah realizes that I am going to take him here every weekday, he may resist. But today, again, was easy. When I came to pick him up, the therapist who had him last for circle time joked that she was just going to keep him and not give him back to me. She said, "He's so much fun! We love having him here!!" Cue the warm fuzzies. They "get him". I know I sound surprised...I am just a little bit. The people who are around Elijah for any length of time at all, fall in love with him. He casts his spell. But, there are a large majority of people who know us and even love us, but haven't really spent any significant amount of time around Elijah. They, while loving, still see a "challenge" that I am handling well. Elijah's diagnosis might bring with it some extra challenges. I expect there will be some challenges to face when we get to Kindergarten and beyond. However, right now, I'm not lying. I'm not pretending things are easier than they are. The extra things I have to do for Elijah, don't feel like extra things. It's just what we have to do. A friend who has twins once put it so succinctly, "People say Oh twins must be SO hard, but it's all I know. I've only ever had twins, so I don't know any differently. Is it more work than one child? Maybe. But it's all I know and I love it." 

Elijah gives so much more than he takes. I wouldn't trade him for the world. I got lucky. God decided that I was the right one for Elijah and that he was the right one for me.

And in my book, God is ALWAYS right.